Sample of Scribbles from 2011: The Year of FULL

Untitled #1

So hard to keep a consistent thought in a mind buzzing with numerous triggers, disruptions, ideas, pains,
all floating.
A laugh rubbing elbows with a sob…
everything feels too close in proximity…
can barely fit a breath in between.  
So I swallow and stuff it all down, down, down to…where?
Simultaneously exposed and bare
but also closed in tight…
How do i co-exist within these two realities?
It is an act of survival because
I have apparently long passed the expiry date for mourning over a pain that happened two years ago, six years ago, in high school, before birth…before this lifetime.  
Perhaps my spirit is existing right now in some other being and is bringing that emotional residue here
to further fog up 
my already clouded window pane.
 
 

A Place of Rage

Angry.

I am angry that I am forced to walk within the confines of fear.

Angry that I have been taught to hold anxiety close.

Angry that the onus is on  me – my responsibility to stop you from staring, prevent you from approaching, stepping forward across boundaries invading my protective sphere of personal space.

My responsibility to not attract attention.  My responsibility to avoid eye contact.  My responsibility to take note of street lights and traffic and how many people I share the sidewalk with and check who those people are…do they look trustworthy?  What does that even mean? Now it is my responsibility to create markers and signifiers and PROFILES of who may be trustworthy.  My responsibility to not assume.  My responsibility to be cautious.  My responsibility to not be naive.

I am weighed down with responsibility .  Walking with careful steps riddled with anxiety, leading to a prison of confinement,

convincing myself that the risk is too great — I didn’t want to go out anyway…I didn’t really want to wear that skirt…it is kind of chilly tonight, maybe I’ll save that walk for the daytime when the stars I wanted to see are hidden but there sure is daylight.

What the fuck is your responsibility when I am left contorted and heavy  in my prison of consideration? Heavy because you never took up your fucking responsibility of choosing not to assault me.

How about you make the choice to not harass me tonight?

***Thoughts after a Friday night assault  by 5 white men on Ossington Street****

 
 

Sister-Mother-Friend

Black women.

Layered.  Contradictory.  Relationships. We reflect each other’s silent pain a little too clearly, exposing the wounds we have painstackingly dressed in flesh-coloured bandages – hidden from the casual glance but evident to the more perceptive, the more invested, the more practiced eye.  You are a reflection of my hurt, my strength, my beauty, my pride and my love.

We have travelled across waters, endured separations, survived bodily invasions…and so it is a must, a need, to hold each other up.

Please hold me up.

Untitled #2
 
Pressure.  Consistent pressure.
To be on
To be articulate
To be present
To be presentable
To be beautiful
To be available
To be enticing
To be inviting
To be open 
To be aware
To care
To love
To lie
To listen
To provide answers
To build
To nurture
To create
To cake
To call
To come
To
be
the
one
 
 

A Rock and a Hard Place (aka The Game aka The Makings of a Really Bad R&B Song)

Call me please.   I’d like to talk.
Don’t call me please.  I can’t handle talking to you.
 
Call me please.  I yearn to hear your voice.
Don’t call me please.  I can’t handle what your voice does to me.
 
Call me please so we can talk for hours and hours again.
Don’t call me please.  I can’t talk to you for hours and hours again.
 
Call me please so I can feel my heart pick up speed and pound like only you can make it.
Don’t call me please.  I can’t handle the dramatics of a pounding heart, sweaty palms and inevitable dreams of an impossible tomorrow that will follow.
 
Call me.  So I can tell you not to call me.  And you can convince me otherwise.
Don’t call me.  So I won’t have to tell you not to call me.  And you won’t have to agree and say goodbye.
 

Untitled #3

I want to stretch and stretch and stretch and wear lipstick and scream as loud as possible and paint abstract colourful creations and sew remixes onto articles of clothing and cook food that smells good and write and write and write and not feel tired all the time and have time for driving lessons and act in incredible plays and buy beautiful bedsheets and re-design my room and write and write and write and not speak to people for a while and learn new hairstyles and watch lots of good and bad movies and dance with my mummy and write letters to my homeboy and read and read and read and paint my toenails and draw storyboards for future films and stretch and stretch and stretch…

 
 
 
 
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3 Comments

Filed under Poetry

3 responses to “Sample of Scribbles from 2011: The Year of FULL

  1. This was an excellent post.

    Here is a very useful writing resource link below that your viewers will LOVE to check out.

    Feel free to add it to your great website. Thanks again for sharing!

    Writers Wanted – All Writers are Welcomed

  2. kaylabitten92

    Hai Dear,

    I think you are an AMAZING writer. You’re talented and very much good at what you do. This touched me in many ways. Wish you more love, support and success, Queen.
    xo

    • Wow, thank you so much! I’m so glad that my scribbles were able to touch you. Thank you for checking out my posts, sharing your thoughts and for your wishes. Sending love right back 🙂

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